It's been quiet here on the blog. In the four and a half years since I started blogging, I've never missed more than a day of posting. Until last week. I've had some major upheavals in my life recently, and I'd like to share them with you here in small, measured doses. I'm reexamining everything: my values, my way of life, even what this blog means to me and the types of things I'd like to talk about.
To start. This month I moved from San Francisco to Los Angeles. That top photo is everything I brought with me. I could have packed more but I chose not to. In my thirty years on earth I've never lived by myself. Never been financially independent, never spent extended periods of time alone, never trusted my ability even to take care of my most basic needs.
When I arrived in LA, I stayed with my dear friends Kevin and Danielle. It took me a week to start apartment hunting. Once I found a place, it took me another week to move my belongings from my car into the house. Another week to start sleeping in the new place. The reason for my delay? I feel afraid all the time. My fear spans the spectrum from having to buy the $0.99 shampoo all the way to not being good enough. Will my hair be less clean, shiny, bouncy? And good enough for what? For whom? I get paralyzed in a whirling, eddying thought-pool of terror. Yet every once in a while I have a glimpse not of fearlessness, but of confidence that I can push through the fear. Because really, what option does any of us have but to keep going? To lie in our beds on the first wake-up in a near-empty house. To see the light through the window. To know that we will make it because to make it, to put one foot in front of the other, every moment of every day, that is the only way there is.
P.S. The lovely Melissa Loves shared this Georgia O'Keefe quote with me this morning: "I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life–and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." What quotes keep you pushing through the fear? Images: 1, 3. Me 2. The Why We Love Photography–We moved the mattress in on Thanksgiving day. Of course I had to try it out for size!