We’re a month into 2016 and the shine has officially worn off the new year. I figured it was time for an update on my sole resolution: to cultivate self-love and learn to be kind to myself. Statistically speaking, most New Year’s resolutions don’t make it past MLK Day. So I’m pleased at least to report that mine is still front of mind for me every day. Whether I’ve consistently succeeded at it is another issue, one that’s hard to address when the resolution inherently includes a reframing of what success means to me. After all, I’ve previously always equated success with perfection; and as I explained back in January, my desire to relinquish that painfully impossible quest is what inspired my resolution in the first place.
Without that old definition of success in place, I’ve no clue how to measure whether I’m hitting my mark. Indeed the biggest lesson I’ve learned after four weeks is that self-kindness is a shifting, slippery target, one that requires constant attention and inquiry—not to mention unyielding honesty. Am I cozying up with a book under a blanket to nourish my soul? Or am I doing it to avoid the backlog of emails that have been plaguing me? What’s the healthier option: taking time to cook a homemade meal or defrosting an Amy’s frozen dinner while I tidy my messy house (or heck, while I watch TV at the end of a long day)? The answers change depending on context, and constantly asking the questions is frankly exhausting. In an effort to relinquish my black-and-white thinking, I’ve plunged myself into a deep and discomfiting ocean of grey. Each day feels like a bargaining act against my suspicion that the self-loving choice is actually just the easy way out in disguise.
And that’s my biggest fear: that given a choice, I will always take the path of least resistance. Writing this now, I realize that I’ve used my lifelong perfectionism to counteract my belief that I am at my core a listless slob. My ambition has been the antidote to inaction; and I’ve been ruled by my belief that if I cut myself a break, abandon my drive for bigger and better, I’ll slide into a hibernative hole from which I’ll never ascend. Yet as I write this now, I can see that the hard and fast rules I’d always created for myself were just another form of laziness. On the surface they pushed me to get shit done, but they also enabled me to avoid the relentless self-reflection that comes with a commitment to doing right by myself.
I suspect that the next step in this journey of self-love involves gaining my own trust. Trust that if I take a day off, I’ll soon be back in action rather than permanently glued to the couch; and trust that I can listen to my instincts about what’s best for me, rather than to the often conflicting voices in my head. For now the voices are still clamoring. Yet my resolution—and perhaps my current definition of success—lies in the fact that I’ve entered the conversation with them, and I’m determined to make myself heard.
P.S. If you’re in the LA area, the amazing wellness coach Ashley Neese is holding a women’s self-love workshop on Valentine’s Day! I’ve done one of Ashley’s breath work circles before and this is sure to be a powerful experience for all! Image source.
I can’t express how deeply I relate to what you’ve written here…I have been on a similar journey. It’s funny, I began following you without having read your January resolution post, but I have dubbed February my month of self-love, or My Month of Me. I hope to spend the month shifting my patterns enough to continue the work throughout the year. The questions you are asking yourself, I completely understand. I look forward to reading your future updates!
I can’t express how deeply I relate to what you’ve written here…I have been on a similar journey. It’s funny, I began following you without having read your January resolution post, but I have dubbed February my month of self-love, or My Month of Me. I hope to spend the month shifting my patterns enough to continue the work throughout the year. The questions you are asking yourself, I completely understand. I look forward to reading your future updates!
I couldn’t agree with this post more. It was like I wrote this about myself. I also struggle with perfectionism and being my toughest critic. I kept fighting against the voices in my head that told me to relax and do nothing last month (because guess what, I’m human and I was EXHAUSTED after the holidays). I didn’t start feeling better until I actually listened to those voices and essentially said “Fuck it” and binged watched TV and rested. And surprise, my world did not fall apart and I didn’t fall behind on business and I’m not a failure. I have to remember to live in the grey more and trust in myself (and love myself.) Learning to let go of being a perfectionist = having faith in myself. Thank you for sharing Anne. <3