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Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

Anne sage city sage things i'm afraid to tell you

This is a long post. Probably the longest I’ve written since starting my blog (four years ago tomorrow!) It’s one in a series that’s been circulating around the web, entitled ‘Things I’m Afraid to Tell You. It started with Jess, then continued with Ez and Erin. Below is a list of others taking part today. I almost didn’t do it. Here’s why: 

1. I’m Afraid to Do This Post. Not because I have fears about opening up to strangers–heck, I’ve spent the last four years doing that right here on this blog!–but because everyone else is doing it. If there’s one thing that terrifies me, it’s doing the same thing as everyone else. I’ve strived my whole life to stand out from the crowd, to be special, because frankly I believe deep down that I’m not special at all. I’ve never been a joiner. I’m the girl who read romance novels by herself in the library during school lunch hours while everyone played sports, produced the yearbook, smoked cigarettes beneath the bleachers. I’m the girl who stayed home with her parents on Friday nights while everyone partied and drank themselves silly. I thought that remaining separate made me different and therefore somehow better, but really it just made me a girl who couldn’t relate to others her age. Now, I’m a woman who knows how to carry a conversation–heck, sometimes I even like doing so!–and I attribute that personal growth to the sense of shared humanity I’ve found through blogging. But I can’t for the life of me bring myself to admit that it’s fine just to be average, ordinary. To say that yes, I’m special, but at the same time, no, I’m not special. To accept that both are true, that both are okay, and that the end of the day, this blogging community has embraced me just as I have embraced it. I needn’t always deny myself the warmth and acceptance that comes with being a joiner. 

2. I’m Afraid to Tell You More, and I Believe That Fear Is a Good Thing. Just because we can share everything–be it on the Internet or with individuals in the real world–that doesn’t mean we should. I certainly am not directing this at my fellow ‘Things I’m Afraid to Tell You’ bloggers. The revelations they’ve divulged about the jealousy, the materialism, and the constant barrage of false optimism that exist in the world of blogging? These are my thoughts too, and I owe my colleagues a debt of gratitude for opening this forum of discussion. However, my own ability to set boundaries for and around myself has heretofore been severely lacking. I’ve been hurt as a result. I accept responsibility where it’s my due. But right now I’m relishing the sense of self-preservation that comes with holding my cards closer to my chest, and I’m moving forward in a more thoughtful, considered state of mind and spirit. 

3. Two things I’m not afraid to tell you? a) I don’t smoke. This photo was the first time I’d ever held a cigarette. It was part of an editorial shoot with my friend Caroline from Woodnote Photography. In no way is this photograph meant to be an endorsement of smoking. Oh, and b) I photoshopped my nose.   

A side note: I will be contributing ‘more thoughtful, considered’ writings in the weeks to come over at The Equals Record, which is a wonderful new site that features women’s writings on (mostly) serious subjects. I’ll let you know when my writings appear over there.

Other bloggers taking part in today’s Things I’m Afraid to Tell You: Meg: MIMI+MEG (thank you for organizing round two!) / Christine: Court & Hudson / Caitlin:Sacramento Street / Roxy: My Cup of Te / Crystal: Blog / Ashlina: The Decorista / Katie:Modern Eve / Erin: Apartment 34 / Erica: Design Blahg / Victoria: Vmac & Cheese / Christine:Miles to Style / Franki: Life in a Venti Cup  / Sue: The Zhush / Erika: Radiant Republic / Gabrielle: Savvy Home / Monika: The Doctor’s Closet / Naomi: Design Manifest / Tobe:Because It’s Awesome / Becca: {extra}ordinary wonders / Lynzy: Sparkling Footsteps / Hitha:Hitha On The Go / Sarah: Note To Self / Liz: So Much To Smile About / Sarah: Blogstar / Alissa: The Goods Design / Jessie: Style & Pepper / Erika: Small Shop Studio  / AV: Long Distance Loving / Maggie: Maggie Rose Blog / Nicole: The City Girl In Me / Priscilla: The Best Laid Plans / Jen: Concrete Jungle DC / Janelle: Food Fashion Fitness / Natalie: East Coast Chic

Oh and here’s the first wave: Design for Mankind | Little Brown Pen | Beautiful Hello | Curating Style | Sweet Fine Day | The Jealous Curator | Happy Days | Sage & Berries | Really Handmade | Peck Life | Satsuma Press | Rena Tom | For the Easily Distracted | The Hemborg Wife | Vitamini Handmade | Courtney Khail Stationery and Design| Meg in Progress | Dando Photography Blog | Widdershins22 | Alison Citron | Pink Moon Daily | Just Pretty Things | From China Village | Tea with Me | The Darling Ewe | Not Your Average Ordinary | The Electric Typewriter | Elleby Design | Parsimonia {Secondhand With Style} | Life as an Artistpreneur |Hello Cupcake | Dellie | The A & B Stories | Pretty Little Things | Feistyelle | Nib & Zed | Well and Cheaply | I Ripple. I Dance. | Whitfield Awesome Blog | Foxtrot Press | Dry As Toast | The List of Now |Apple Blue | For the Love of | Four Flights of Fancy | Miss Modish | Snapshots & Secrets | Dirty Laundry| Bubby & Bean | Penelope’s Press | Little Nostalgia | Vale Design | Pikaland | Fleurishing | Print Pretty |Vespa Tales | Hazel & Agnes | Amanda’s Musings | Mo’ Funk Designs | Ordinary Mommy | Camp 1899 |In Honor of Design | Liberty’s Yarn | Love, Life & Pictures | Stacey Winters | Owl in the Rain | Living Life Creatively | Emma Elizabeth Clease | I Live in Vacouver Now | British Cream Tea

  1. I’m glad you went for it. I’ve so been there – trying to justify that standing outside of a certain circle made me better than those inside it, when part of me was just too scared to take a step forward and join.
    Also: I always Photoshop my nose.

  2. Anne, that’s awesome. I think many of us, especially creative-types, relate to the non-joiner thing. I still do think about it a lot & it’s weird to still be dealing with at almost 40. Thanks for putting yourself our there to inspire me & others. ps. I photoshopped my nose, permanently, with a knife, by a dr, with $$$, lots of. miss my old face somedays & my $$$.

  3. Annie–you ARE special. We all are, in our own ways. But man, you do such a wonderful job of expressing your beautiful, special thoughts and feelings here–and I love this post! I was such a joiner, and I felt the same feelings you did! DO! Congrats on four years–I did one measly year on my blog and then just stopped. I couldn’t quite express why until I read this post–I have issues with boundaries in general (I’m the girl who tells anyone just about anything) and drawing that line is REALLY tough for me. Which, as a Mama of 2 at 32 years young, isn’t always a great thing. So anyway, thank you for teaching me its not only ok, but a wonderful thing to fully be yourself, but also choose carefully how much of that self you reveal to the world. In blogs or otherwise. Much love! xo

  4. I love this, Anne. Not the nose (I prefer the one you have) but the voice. And the courage. More, more, more! p.s. House in CT not yet ready for prime time. I am always the wind at your back, darlin’. LHS

  7. I can so relate to this….I have the same fear but, didn’t realize it until I read this. That I am not set apart, unique, special. The truth is though, we all are…no matter what we do to try to “fit in” or be a “joiner”…right? It is unavoidable how unique we all are at our deepest level. Oh, and that photo? Is wicked awesome.
    xo
    Melis

  8. Hi Anne,
    I’m so glad to hear that you don’t actually smoke! But as long as we’re being real today, why on earth would you want to be photographed with a cigarette? Of course *we* know it’s gross and addictive and kills people, but some one else might just see hip, pretty lady + cigarette = all the cool girls smoke. Not meant as an attack on your choice, but I honestly don’t understand the up-side.

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